Confessions of a Normal Person

Pain. Struggle. Depression. Overwhelmed souls. Disillusion. Lack of satisfaction. These words and so many more open the floodgates of a disoriented, sorrowful, and unwanted life. These lives are seen in obituaries, walking along empty sidewalks, and swinging on cold porch swings. They run, laugh, cry, love, hurt, heal, and go about life as if it's normal. They're no different from the rest of us because they are us. Lamentation and grief are distinct aspects of the daily walk of life, yet we barely open their doors because they're "not welcome." I don't have a complicated life, one filled with personal anecdotes that bring people to tears. Good looks that I can make a career out of, outlandish physical capabilities that put people on tv screens, nor do I have an obscene and superior intellect. No one's gonna write my biography. I'm not gonna be in history books. My great-great-grandchildren aren't gonna say, "We're related to HIM?" Nope, I'm just a regular guy. 

High Expectations vs. Reality

Growing up, I had aspirations of being an NFL player like most young boys do. That dream came and went. But here I am, a broke college student hoping to make a difference in this world. To some, such a statement draws laughs and punches on the shoulder, followed by a "Go get 'em, Tiger." To others, it brings genuine emotion, often in the form of smiles. But what does that do? Does that make a difference? In my mind, Nah, not really. I wanna do BIG things. 

Selfishly, I want to be someone people stop at Walmart and ask, "Are you that guy who wrote that thing? I heard you speak that one time, and it really spoke to me. I read one of your articles, and I absolutely loved it." Why do I want that? Because I want to help people and be known for it. I am a selfish, overwhelmed, self-conscious human being that likes to succeed. That's what I do. That's who I am. 

But maybe that's not what I'm cut out to do. Perhaps that's not who I'm gonna be. I'm possibly just going to be a regular guy with a typical life with a routine job, a mortgage, and three kids. Maybe some of you are in that same position. This isn't supposed to take a deep dive into self-observation, but honestly, do you sometimes wish you could do more? I love being the nice guy who holds the door for people who have their hands full, but is that the extent of my positive interactions with people I don't know? Are the rest going to be grimaces and head shakes because of who I am or what I do? Do the number of Twitter followers actually matter in terms of what people think of me? Is that what it takes to make something out of myself? Or am I going to have to wait until I'm over the age of 70 before I get an award at my retirement party? 

Yeah, I'm 20 years old. You might be thinking, "Geez, this guy is depressed," or "He doesn't sound too positive about his life." But this is me being real for once. I'm always looking for the brighter side of the story. My glass is always, and I mean, always half full. That's who I've become. Yet every once in a while, I catch myself in ruts looking at the reality of the future. I don't wanna stay in Arkansas for the rest of my life, but it seems like there's a possibility where I might. I don't wanna spend my 20's stockpiling payments of student loan debt, but I might. I don't wanna be the average guy with a regular job and an ordinary house and a normal life, but I might. Who's to say I won't? We all know our futures as good as the next person.

A Note to the Ordinary

This isn't to make you feel sad, mad, frustrated, or in your own rut. This is to make you understand that it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to open up and confess your grief and confusion about the paths of the future. This world is a lovely place that brings excitement, cheer, and joy in various forms, but it also brings sadness in the form of screams, tears, and the back-breaking sense of loneliness. We are tailored for love, yet we receive so much hate. We are wired for connection, but rarely do we receive it. Why? Why are we wandering on the faded yellow brick road that leads to a dead-end? 

In Psalm 88, Heman the Ezrahite closes his cry of desperation with a bone-chilling statement in verse 18, "You have distanced loved one and neighbor from me; darkness is my only friend." The Psalm leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. There's no resolution or answer to his plea for help. He remained in the darkness with his opponents closing in "from every side" (v. 17). The Bible is a book with a happy ending, but every happy ending comes with its fair share of sad and depressing moments along the way. That's because real life is not always happiness and rainbows. Real-life is tough; there's gonna be bumps and bruises, and suffering is a given reality. Darkness has plenty of room to grow. The Christian life, the real Christian life, details the current, temporary destruction on the path to eternal glory.

Our conceited souls lead us to the path of destruction, and the deeper the dive into selfishness accelerates our demise. But there is an answer. There is an answer to our deepest longings, a call to our emptiness, a hope that rings so true. Yahweh, King of Glory, Majesty of Heaven, Sovereign Ruler Above of All, Lord Jesus my Savior and Friend it is you. The resolution to our stories' rising tensions comes in the form of an Arab carpenter wandering the lands to save our longing hearts. Our grief and sadness can be forever filled in the well that never runs dry. 

Everyday Rejoicing

We will not be saved from the day-to-day pain and sadness. This world will continue to throw its toils with increased force. We will still have our usual bumps and bruises, broken hearts, and lost loved ones. The war is not over, but the battle is won. Will my basic life continue to be average? Will I get the recognition that I've always wanted? All of that remains to be seen. But, each step I take in the path of righteousness has been marked with purpose. 

Psalm 88 is a sucker punch right to the gut. Psalm 89 is a joyful noise in the midst of silence. For fifty-two verses, the psalmist rejoices over and over again of God's faithfulness, love, and promises to his people. The unanswered questions in Psalm 88 are answered in Psalm 89. Verse 8, "Lord God of Armies, who is strong like you, LORD? Your faithfulness surrounds you." Verse 14, "Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; faithful love and truth go before you." Amid Israel's deceit, betrayal, and unfaithfulness, the psalmist has seen the righteousness and promise of God to close in verse 52, "Blessed be the LORD forever. Amen and amen."

I no longer worry about my lack of recognition. I can't be defined by the numbers on my phone. I won't be taken for granted or set aside in the cold because my life has meaning; I know where my finish line is. Every time tears fall, I know where my plea is taken. Every moment I walk through the motions of life, wandering aimlessly, my track is set before me. Real-life is tough, but real life in Christ is worth it. My heart is secure; my confession is heard, and my life is changed. The righteous promise of eternal communion and splendor awaits before me, just a normal guy.